Funny Poems

Funny Poems

I Like To Bake

Lord, you know I like to bake,
(I say it's for my family's sake),
Apple pies and cheesecake too,
And dumplings in the Irish stew.

Lord, you know I like to bake,
But I need to curb my intake,
Pavlova, a delicious sugary fluff,
I never seem to have enough.

Lord, you know I like to bake,
But cholesterol pills I now take,
These words I must never utter,
"Please pass me the cream and butter"

Lord, a special favour I shall ask,
It would only be a simple task,
You who changed water into wine,
Dissolve those calories when I dine!

Taxation

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his grass,
Tax the roads he must pass

Tax his food, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his sodas, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears

Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance tax

The Thanksgivings Turkey

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Who Is She?

Her eyes are like diamonds that are shiny and bright
Her hair is so soft and black as the night
Her legs are long and her body is slender
When you hold her close she is warm and tender

Hiding amongst the shadows so tall
Looking much closer she's not there at all
Always in trouble with her curious way
She stays out all night and sleeps in all day

Creeps into your room and sits up on your bed
Gives gentle kisses on your nose and your head
Always expects you to open the door
There isn't a sound as she walks on the floor

She will not come over when you call
Walks straight past as if you're not there at all
If you want to work she wants to play
Doesn't care if you forget her birthday

Is she your wife or is she your lover
Is she a friend or is she your mother
She is none of those things I can tell you that
This beautiful creature is only the cat

Chemistry Class

Chemistry class, chemistry class,
The class in which I do surpass!
The class I really most enjoy,
My teacher, though, I do annoy!

Mixing that, twirling this,
Adding 'till I hear a hiss!
Prompting looks up from her desk,
Towards my beaker, statuesque!

Heating up, cooling down,
My teacher watches, face a frown!
Lovely liquid, yellow bubbles,
Teacher's ready for the troubles!

Exploding here, exploding there,
Yellow globs in teacher's hair!
It's dripping onto teacher's shawl,
And creeping down the classroom wall!

Fizzle here, fizzle through,
Oh no, I think I'm in a stew!
It's eaten through the wooden floor,
And dropped below on Mr. Moore!

Chemistry mess, much distress,
My brew today did not impress!
Chemistry is my favorite class,
But that's my last, I think, alas!

Someone Stole the School Bus

Someone stole the school bus,
Don't ask me how or why,
It's too far to walk to school,
Or run,
Or even fly...
Someone stole the school bus.
What a bad, bad thing,
So many kids can't get to school,
What's this gonna bring???
No more classes,
No more teachers,
No more ringing bells...

No more pencils,
No more paper,
No more lunchroom smells!
Someone stole the school bus.
I can't imagine who,
I think they're pretty evil,
I bet you think so too...
Someone stole the school bus,
I'm feeling pretty beat,
Burying a school bus,
Is not an easy feat...

The Dentist

I have some bad news,"
Said the dentist to me,
"You've got not just one...

Not two...

And not three...

You've got four teeth,

That I need to remove,
To pull from your mouth,
I'm sure mom will approve..."
"NOOOO!" I screamed,
"You won't get not one!

I need all my teeth,
Like a tree needs the sun.

You won't get one tooth,
From out of my head,
I'll keep my mouth closed,
From now until bed!!!"
The dentist just smiled,
"We do have our way,
To get a kid's teeth,
Anytime of the day!"

So there in the chair,
I closed my mouth tight,
And stared down that dentist.
I'd put up a fight...
He took out a machine,
That had a pink feather,

And it tickled my face,
Like misty cool weather...
I started to laugh,
And when my mouth opened wide,
That man grabbed my tooth,
And pulled it outside...
"Ouch!" I yelled,
With a pain in my gum,
You mean, mean, mean dentist,
You aren't my chum!
He got one,

But that's all,
He wouldn't get more,
And I slammed my mouth closed,
Like the wind slams a door.
But then the cruel Dentist,
Brought out a machine,
With jaws of its own,
And he laughed really mean...
And the machine tried to pry,
My jaws by the bones!
But I wouldn't let in,
I wouldn't let it get home..
I kept my mouth shut,
Like a door locked at night,

I wouldn't open it up,
I wasn't losing this fight!
I protected my teeth,
Like a dog does its food,

Have my teeth pulled?
No thanks- Not in the mood!
He called in the nurse,
And she started to say,
I wasn't leaving the office,

Until the doc got his way...
"No way!" I cried,
"I'm outta this chair,"
But the nurse said I'd better,
Just stay right there.
I tried to get up,
I tried to escape,
But the nurse held me down,
She was strong like an ape...

The dentist then asked me,
To say just one "Ahhh.."
I laughed,
Closed my eyes,
And just said one, "Hah!"
The dentist got mad,
Mad in a fury.
I was sitting on trial,
And he was the jury...

The judge,

The jailer,

The master of mean,

Then he went out,
And brought another machine...
"This one is made,"
He said,
"For kids just like you,
I only have one,

But I wish I had two!"

I saw the machine with its pincer type tool,

And I screamed out my loudest,
"You must think I'm a fool!!! "
And then I wished,
And I hoped,
And I pleaded above,
To be out of that chair,
That I just didn't love...
I wished so hard,
That it soon became true,
And I was home in my pyjamas,
Which were furry and blue...
Was it a dream? I asked,
As I lay in my bed,
And began to count how many teeth,
I still had in my head...

The Nose Picker

There was a boy who picked his nose,
Thought it tasted fine,
Picked for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
Picked it all the time...
Shared his pickings with his friends,
With his parents too,
Shared his pickings with his pets,
They worked a lot like glue...

Picked his nose all through the day,
Picked all through the night,
Never tired of his picking,
Wanna’ take a bite?
One day he stuck his finger in,
So deep inside his snout,
The rest of him got stuck inside,
He never could get out!