Jokes Random
Three Guys
There are three people named “Poop, Manners, and Shut Up."
One day, Poop fell out the window and Manners went out the window to pick him up. While Manners was going to help Poop, he told Shut Up to get the police. So that is what Shut Up did. When the police arrived, they asked, “What is your name?" And Shut Up replies with “Shut Up." Then the police ask again, “What is your name?" “Shut Up." “What is your name?" “Shut Up." And then the police ask, “Excuse me, where are your manners?" And then Shut Up says, “Oh, Manners? Manners is over there picking up Poop."
Dinner table gaffe
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Enjoy Life Joke
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
Ultimate english !
Hello To Viewers My Name is Gundumani , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore . if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter..
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i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state
she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
What Homework???
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I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
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i am simple girl. I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck. now i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
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i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? What the hell...)
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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})
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whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he
would be called the man of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants) Infact she doesn't know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?
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i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of 'ok'. The person is Suffering from 'Ok-syndrome')
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iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & Mother. sister completely married (somebody please explain how to get married
completely'?) ( Confused ????? )
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my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes Height of desperation!
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iam kanandevi. i do own businas.one sistar.he was marred.(No comments)
(Plz for gods sake ask somebody's help in framing sentence )
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hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. I divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...(but credit cards not accepted..???) (Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit's??????? Is there anything like that.)
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I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service.
Zebra..???)
(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color)
Attorney Jokes one liners
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "FEES"
A second language
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!”
The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language
Mother Cooked My Footballs
Sunday night at dinner,
My mom got really mad,
I wouldn't eat her re-fried mud,
It tasted pretty bad...
Monday night at dinner,
My father lost his cool,
I wouldn't eat his broccoli cake,
It went agaist his rule...
Tuesday night at dinner,
My mom got so irate,
I wouldn't eat the pickled prunes,
I left them on my plate...
Wednesday night at dinner,
My dad was so enraged,
I didn't eat his fungus food,
He tried to have me caged!!!
Thursday night at dinner,
My mom was angry so,
She cooked my two best footballs,
They taste like moldy dough...
Penis and a brain
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
Concise creative writing
A university creative writing class is asked to write essays containing these four elements: religion, royalty, seexx and mystery.
The prize-winning essay reads: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
Time difference
A man is speaking to a long-distance telephone operator.
"Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?" asks the man.
"Just a minute", says the operator.
The man says "Thank you" and puts down the phone.
Strong Young Man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “all right, get in.”
Desert and Genie
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Feeding the Dog
I gave my dog some peanut butter,
Bread and blue grape juice,
A garbage truck with junk inside,
A toy that had no use...
I heard that dogs eat anything,
And I just had to see...
He ate a shirt,
He ate my pants,
He almost ate up me!
I put some books in front of dog,
To see if he could read,
He ate those books,
With a grin,
He's a special breed...
I put a pen in front of dog,
To see if he could write,
He chewed and chewed that little pen,
From morning to the night...
Next day he scratched,
And scratched,
And scratched,
Scratched too much for me,
I got some new flea powder,
To chase away the fleas...
He ate the white flea powder,
He licked it nice and clean,
Although his tongue got kind of white,
No fleas are ever seen...
I gave my dog some dog food,
He stared at me with fear,
The food is sitting in his bowl,
Its almost been a year...
Hypnotist blunder
A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to perform. He notices a sign outside of one place reading ''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker. He goes inside and inquires about the gig.
"You're not a hypnotist are you?''
"No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?''
''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he tripped over his microphone wire and shouted 'SHIT'. We've been cleaning it up for days!''
FORGET ABOUT IT
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
The New Maid
A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid." answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"Sure, what do I have to do?"
"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh...is this 555-4821?"
A cute dog
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
Outside a clinic
Two Sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything. So the
other asked,”Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
Second one asked, “So, are you afraid?”
First one replied, “No, not that during the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other,
“Why are you crying?”
The other replied, “I have come for my urine test.”
Railway
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
Radio
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '
