Jokes Random

Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”

“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.

“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”

“Whoa, how can that be?”

“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Me neither.’”

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song.After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.
Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?
Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit!

Dad to Tintu mon:
When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintu mon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintu mon: I clean it with your tooth brush.
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Tintu Mon 2 God: Plz give me 1 bag full of money, a job and 1 big vehicle
full of girls.
God: Bless u!
Today Tintu Mon is the bus conductor of a Girls College.
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Sardar: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Sardar: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Sardar: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?
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Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of
Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…
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Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and
tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you
up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" tinumon finished.
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Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"

prof:chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
prof:For sodium?
Tintumon:NA
prof:wat will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atom of NA combines?
tintumon:"BANANA"
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PASSIVE VOICE
teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"
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Tintumon went to his Dad's Friend's home late night.
Uncle offered him to Sleep in Baby's room.
Tintumon refused because the Baby might Cry at Night and went to sleep in the drawing hall.
Next morning he saw a Beautiful young Girl at the breakfast table,
Tintumon : Who are you?
The girl replied,"I am Baby and You??"
Tintumon : I am a Stupid!!!
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PROFESSOR
A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI BAMBA"
professor: "i dont understand anything"
tintumon: "same 2 you"
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Techy Tintumon
Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…!

The full name of world famous artist Pablo Picasso is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santisma Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.

1. I will be happy once I have _____ (or once I earn X).

Problem: If you think you can’t be happy until you reach a certain point, or until you reach a certain income, or have a certain type of house or car or computer setup, you’ll never be happy. That elusive goal is always just out of reach. Once we reach those goals, we are not satisfied — we want more.

Solution: Learn to be happy with what you have, where you are, and who you are, right at this moment. Happiness doesn’t have to be some state that we want to get to eventually — it can be found right now. Learn to count your blessings, and see the positive in your situation. This might sound simplistic, but it works.

2. I wish I were as ____ as (a celebrity, friend, co-worker).

Problem: We’ll never be as pretty, as talented, as rich, as sculpted, as cool, as everyone else. There will always be someone better, if you look hard enough. Therefore, if we compare ourselves to others like this, we will always pale, and will always fail, and will always feel bad about ourselves. This is no way to be happy.

Solution: Stop comparing yourself to others, and look instead at yourself — what are your strengths, your accomplishments, your successes, however small? What do you love about yourself? Learn to love who you are, right now, not who you want to become. There is good in each of us, love in each of us, and a wonderful human spirit in every one of us.

3. Seeing others becoming successful makes me jealous and resentful.

Problem: First, this assumes that only a small number of people can be successful. In truth, many, many people can be successful — in different ways.

Solution: Learn to admire the success of others, and learn from it, and be happy for them, by empathizing with them and understanding what it must be like to be them. And then turn away from them, and look at yourself — you can be successful too, in whatever you choose to do. And even more, you already are successful. Look not at those above you in the social ladder, but those below you — there are always millions of people worse off than you, people who couldn’t even read this article or afford a computer. In that light, you are a huge success.

4. I am a miserable failure — I can’t seem to do anything right.

Problem: Everyone is a failure, if you look at it in certain ways. Everyone has failed, many times, at different things. I have certainly failed so many times I cannot count them — and I continue to fail, daily. However, looking at your failures as failures only makes you feel bad about yourself. By thinking in this way, we will have a negative self-image and never move on from here.

Solution: See your successes and ignore your failures. Look back on your life, in the last month, or year, or 5 years. And try to remember your successes. If you have trouble with this, start documenting them — keep a success journal, either in a notebook or online. Document your success each day, or each week. When you look back at what you’ve accomplished, over a year, you will be amazed. It’s an incredibly positive feeling.

5. I’m going to beat so-and-so no matter what — I’m better than him. And there’s no way I’ll help him succeed — he might beat me.

Problem: Competitiveness assumes that there is a small amount of gold to be had, and I need to get it before he does. It makes us into greedy, back-stabbing, hurtful people. We try to claw our way over people to get to success, because of our competitive feelings. For example, if a blogger wants to have more subscribers than another blogger, he may never link to or mention that other blogger. However, who is to say that my subscribers can’t also be yours? People can read and subscribe to more than one blog.

Solution: Learn to see success as something that can be shared, and learn that if we help each other out, we can each have a better chance to be successful. Two people working towards a common goal are better than two people trying to beat each other up to get to that goal. There is more than enough success to go around. Learn to think in terms of abundance rather than scarcity.

6. Dammit! Why do these bad things always happen to me?

Problem: Bad things happen to everybody. If we dwell on them, they will frustrate us and bring us down.

Solution: See bad things as a part of the ebb and flow of life. Suffering is a part of the human condition — but it passes. All pain goes away, eventually. Meanwhile, don’t let it hold you back. Don’t dwell on bad things, but look forward towards something good in your future. And learn to take the bad things in stride, and learn from them. Bad things are actually opportunities to grow and learn and get stronger, in disguise.

7. You can’t do anything right! Why can’t you be like ____ ?

Problem: This can be said to your child or your subordinate or your sibling. The problem? Comparing two people, first of all, is always a fallacy. People are different, with different ways of doing things, different strengths and weaknesses, different human characteristics. If we were all the same, we’d be robots. Second, saying negative things like this to another person never helps the situation. It might make you feel better, and more powerful, but in truth, it hurts your relationship, it will actually make you feel negative, and it will certainly make the other person feel negative and more likely to continue negative behavior. Everyone loses.

Solution: Take the mistakes or bad behavior of others as an opportunity to teach. Show them how to do something. Second, praise them for their positive behavior, and encourage their success. Last, and most important, love them for who they are, and celebrate their differences.

8. Your work sucks. It’s super lame. You are a moron and I hope you never reproduce.

Problem: I’ve actually gotten this comment before. It feels wonderful. However, let’s look at it not from the perspective of the person receiving this kind of comment but from the perspective of the person giving it. How does saying something negative like this help you? I guess it might feel good to vent if you feel like your time has been wasted. But really, how much of your time has been wasted? A few minutes? And whose fault is that? The bloggers or yours? In truth, making negative comments just keeps you in a negative mindset. It’s also not a good way to make friends.

Solution: Learn to offer constructive solutions, first of all. Instead of telling someone their blog sucks, or that a post is lame, offer some specific suggestions for improvement. Help them get better. If you are going to take the time to make a comment, make it worth your time. Second, learn to interact with people in a more positive way — it makes others feel good and it makes you feel better about yourself. And you can make some great friends this way. That’s a good thing.

9. Insulting People Back

Problem: If someone insults you or angers you in some way, insulting them back and continuing your anger only transfers their problem to you. This person was probably having a bad day (or a bad year) and took it out on you for some reason. If you reciprocate, you are now having a bad day too. His problem has become yours. Not only that, but the cycle of insults can get worse and worse until it results in violence or other negative consequences — for both of you.

Solution: Let the insults or negative comments of others slide off you like Teflon. Don’t let their problem become yours. In fact, try to understand their problem more — why would someone say something like that? What problems are they going through? Having a little empathy for someone not only makes you understand that their comment is not about you, but it can make you feel and act in a positive manner towards them — and make you feel better about yourself in the process.

10. I don’t think I can do this — I don’t have enough discipline. Maybe some other time.

Problem: If you don’t think you can do something, you probably won’t. Especially for the big stuff. Discipline has nothing to do with it — motivation and focus has everything to do with it. And if you put stuff off for “some other time”, you’ll never get it done. Negative thinking like this inhibits us from accomplishing anything.

Solution: Turn your thinking around: you can do this! You don’t need discipline. Find ways to make yourself a success at your goal. If you fail, learn from your mistakes, and try again. Instead of putting a goal off for later, start now. And focus on one goal at a time, putting all of your energy into it, and getting as much help from others as you can. You can really move mountains if you start with positive thinking.

An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." 

"Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"

Today I turned fifty.
I feel really good.
My body’s still working quite well, thanks. (Touch wood).
My hair’s not too grey, my wrinkles are few, I can still touch my toes with my knuckles. (Can you?)
I’m quite full of vigour, just getting ripe. (But they now print the phone book in much smaller type.)
My hearing’s still good.
What’s that you say?
Speak clearly, don’t mumble, your voice wafts away.
Inside this old body I’m still young, but then if life starts at forty, I’m really just ten.