Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son,. 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'
Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.
A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.
Some policemen who are fed up with everybody thinking they're but stupid fools decide to show their wit and skills to the world. With hard work, they learn how to walk on water. When they go down to the river to give a demonstration and start walking across the water, a guy watching from a bridge says to his mate, 'Look, those stupid folks don't even know how to swim.'
Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional, places an ad in all world famous news papers for a single position who would be in charge of their next operating system Windows2000. This becomes scary news as the ad says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates. Microsoft receives only three applications as the outcome, from an American, Japanese and an Indian (of course you guessed it right, no one other than Santa). They are all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for the interview.
Bill gates says, "I will ask you only one question and your answer should decide your fate".
All of them prepared to face Mr. Gates eagerly wait for the question.
Bill asks, "How do we achieve Windows2000 from Windows98?"
American & Japanese are puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa smiling and dancing in his chair says "balle balle" in mind.
After a while American answers, "Fix bugs in Windows98 for smooth transitions"
Bill shouts, "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs out.
The Japanese says, "Make Windows2000 more user friendly than Windows98".
Bill Gates screams, "get the hell out of here....".
Gates looks at Santa.
Santa giggles and says: "Rename Windows98, Windows2000".
Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job."
Banta went to a grocery store while in America, collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.
Banta asked, "Where is the fat ?"
Person didn`t understand what Banta was saying and said, "Excuse me sir, FAT?"
Banta: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"
Banta started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Banta about the problem.
Banta said, "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written FAT FREE on that but this guy is not giving me the fat"
Banta went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Banta was once visiting London. After a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of London, he found himself needing a toilet badly. After a long search he could not find any, and eventually couldn’t control and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself. Once he had just started, a police official approached him,
Hey, What do you think you re doing here?
Banta: sorry I have to "Pee"
Officer: No PP here okay? Follow me...
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around....
Officer: Pee here.. have a nice day.
Banta: Oh sir ... that is very nice of you, is this English courtesy ?
Officer: No... This is Indian Embassy !!
Banta got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do his PhD.
While looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis on he saw a cockroach walking around.
Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cut one of its legs. And he said to him, "WALK!”
The cockroach moves forward.
Then Banta cut its second leg and shouted, "WALK!"
The cockroach manages to move forward.
Banta then cut its third leg and commanded, "WALK!" The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on one leg.
Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and shouted, "WALK !".
The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table.
Banta repeated the same experiment with over a thousand cockroaches. And he found all results matched.
Banta was jubilant, "Now ! My thesis is ready!"
He proceeds to write down the subject: "When All Four Legs of A Cockroach Are Cut it becomes Deaf !"
Three guys - Santa, Banta and Ramta - are working on a high-rise building project. Ramta falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Santa says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Banta says, "OK, I am pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I will do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack of beer.
Santa says, "Where did you get that, Banta?"
"Ramta`s wife gave it to me."
"That is unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Banta says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Ramta widow. She said, `No, I am not a widow.’ and I said, ‘Wanna bet me a six-pack?’"
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."
"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''