Last request

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

 

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How to escape from the jury box?

 A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. 

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

 

 

Desert and Genie

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Telephone

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

BLONDE'S HELICOPTER LESSON

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"


The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

THE FISH EATING COMPETITION

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn''t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.

So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn''t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish. 

The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

"Sir ,Yes Sir"

 A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

 

Attorney Jokes one liners

 A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say "FEES"