The good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

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THE GHOST

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through the countryside. Their car broke down, so they went to a nearby farm. The farmer said, "I only have one spare room but two of you can sleep in other places." So they went to the first place and said, "Who wants to sleep under the clothes chute?" The first guy said, "I will." So they went to the second place. The farmer said, "Who wants to sleep above the chute?" The second guy said, "I will." Then the third guy said, "I guess I get the bedroom."

Later that night, the second guy had to take a shit, so he shit in some sheets and put it down the chute. The next morning, the third guy asked the second guy third guy asked the first guy how he slept, and he said, "I slept fine except I saw a ghost and beat the shit out of it." 

Trip to disney world

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

Dont have anything

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small note-books?”

“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”

“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”

The manager shrugs, “Sorry. Don’t have that.”

“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the store!”

The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.

 

An Airliner

 At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

Killing English I can see you guys laughing with tears in your eyes

 01. Man tells his friend: My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter.

02. Hi, my name is Sangeeta, married with two kids.

03. Don't laugh, otherwise I'll fall down your teeth.

04. Teacher to student: Pick up the paper and fall in dustbin.

05. Why do you keep rotating near girl's hostel.

06. Santa tells Banta: First I will marry my sister. Then my father will marry me.

07. you hang the chart there... or i will hang myself

08. My vaathiyaar introduced his two sons to me. My top son Ramesh and my bottom son Suresh.

09. You three of you, stand together separately.

10. Take 5 cm wire of any length

11. why are you looking at the monkey outside when i am standing here?

12. be quiet. Principal passed away just now

13. all of you stand in a straight circle

14. I have two daughters....both of them are girls

15. open the windows.... let the atmosphere come in

16. why are you so late? Say yes or no...

17. both of you three get out of the class

Delivery coincidences

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.

The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!"

After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

 

Funny old man

 A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,