Jokes Random

Problem on the farm

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

How to escape from the jury box?

 A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. 

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

 

 

Mistake

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

My Friend Circle

Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.

An engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???  You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."  Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."  God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Clever policemen

Some policemen who are fed up with everybody thinking they're but stupid fools decide to show their wit and skills to the world. With hard work, they learn how to walk on water. When they go down to the river to give a demonstration and start walking across the water, a guy watching from a bridge says to his mate, 'Look, those stupid folks don't even know how to swim.'

Three stages

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

Wrong email address

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

Dead men dont bleed

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.

“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.

“Yes, I do,” Banta replied.

“Very well, then,” the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”

“Oh my goodness!” Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”

A guy sticks his head

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Liars

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Lesson learned

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

Maths

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”

Feeding the Dog

I gave my dog some peanut butter,

Bread and blue grape juice,

A garbage truck with junk inside,
A toy that had no use...
I heard that dogs eat anything,
And I just had to see...
He ate a shirt,

He ate my pants,

He almost ate up me!
I put some books in front of dog,
To see if he could read,

He ate those books,
With a grin,
He's a special breed...

I put a pen in front of dog,
To see if he could write,

He chewed and chewed that little pen,
From morning to the night...
Next day he scratched,
And scratched,
And scratched,
Scratched too much for me,
I got some new flea powder,
To chase away the fleas...
He ate the white flea powder,
He licked it nice and clean,
Although his tongue got kind of white,
No fleas are ever seen...
I gave my dog some dog food,

He stared at me with fear,
The food is sitting in his bowl,
Its almost been a year...

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

April fools day

Mackenzie put a whoopie cushion
on the teacher's chair.
Makayla told the teacher
that a bug was in her hair.

Alyssa brought an apple
with a purple gummy worm
and gave it to the teacher
just to see if she would squirm.

Elijah left a piece of plastic
dog doo on the floor,
and Vincent put some plastic vomit
in the teacher's drawer.

Amanda put a goldfish
in the teacher's drinking glass.
These April Fool's Day pranks
are ones that you could use in class.

Before you go and try them, though,
there's something I should mention:
The teacher wasn't fooling
when she put us in detention.

Dying preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Internet virus

Women are like internet viruses they enter your life, scan your pocket, edit your mind, download their problems, delete your smile...

Lamaze class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

 

The ATM

Banta wanted to use his ATM card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. In frustration Banta called his bank help line.

Banta, angrily: So what's wrong with my ATM card? Girl: Sir, I have checked your account, everything is alright here and you should be able to use your card, are you sure your card is not damaged or broken?

Banta: Are you insane? What are You insinuating? No one takes good care of their ATM card like I do.

Girl: Okay Sir, are you also sure the surface isn't wet or stained with dirt?

Banta: Are you mad? I take very good care of my card. As a matter of fact, I even got it laminated last week when I laminated my Identity card. Girl: Did you just said LAMINATE?

Banta: Of course Yes!!!