Jokes Random

Formula for Water

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : “HIJKLMNO” !!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it’s H to O !

Lamaze class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

 

Expiry date

Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?

  Husband : Nothing.

 Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate since 4 am

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Betting Banta

Santa saw that his friend Banta was very depressed.
"What happened?" asked Santa.
"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . "
"How come ?" "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and Australia was being shown live on TV. I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."
"But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go?"
"Yaar, I bet on the highlights too "

Bus conductor and Passenger

Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?
Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!

BEAUTIFUL?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Which one is yours

Never believe in 3 people:
Sagittarius, Aries, Pisces
They are the most selfish and mean. :/

Never lose 3 people:
Taurus, Cancer, Capricorn
They are the most sincere and true lovers..

Never share with 3 people:
Virgo, Libra, Scorpio
They can never keep secrets and cheat people by crocodile tears :/

Never reject 3 people:
Leo, Gemini, Aquarius
They are true,honest friends and never think bad for any one..?
which one is yours???? :D

 

Pregnant wife

A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Alphabet

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right.  I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Classic insult

Santa & a girl standing on the bus stop:

Santa to ladki: Nice lipstick.

Girl: Thanks.

Santa: Nice top and jeans

Girl: Thanks.

Santa: Nice ear-rings

Girl: Thanks.

Santa: Nice neckless.

Girl: Thank you so much BHAIYA.

Santa: Very strange, phir bhi tum sundar nahi lag rahi ho.

A boy called FM radio & said

A boy called FM radio & said: I’ve found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Ram new road, Kathmandu. Radio Jockey: How honest so you want to return his purse? Boy: no.. I just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him.

Strangers on a train

  Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

        As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
        In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
        The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
        The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
        The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
        The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

A cowboy rode into town

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. 

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

The bar story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

Banta shopping

Banta went to a grocery store while in America, collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.
Banta asked, "Where is the fat ?"
Person didn`t understand what Banta was saying and said, "Excuse me sir, FAT?"
Banta: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"
Banta started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Banta about the problem.
Banta said, "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written FAT FREE on that but this guy is not giving me the fat"

 

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No

 

The good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

Happy Butt

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Post box

Teacher to students: can anyone tell a word which has more than 1000 letters in it?
Sam suddenly stands up and said “postbox”!

 

Funniest Joke in America

 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”