On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"
Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
Banta went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Medical alert about a highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).
If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as
"Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE),
"Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM),
"Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER)
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she poops on you!”
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Santa and Banta decided to rob a bank but during the process of the robbery they mess it up, but they do managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor.
They do manage to take one sack each.
After a while they meet again and one asks the other...
Santa: What did you find in your sack?
Banta: Ten lakh Rupees!
Santa: Wow... that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?
Banta: I bought a house. How about your sack?
Santa: It was full of bills.
Banta: And what did you do with them?
Santa: Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...
Dad to Tintu mon:
When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintu mon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintu mon: I clean it with your tooth brush.
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Tintu Mon 2 God: Plz give me 1 bag full of money, a job and 1 big vehicle
full of girls.
God: Bless u!
Today Tintu Mon is the bus conductor of a Girls College.
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Sardar: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Sardar: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Sardar: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?
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Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of
Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…
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Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and
tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you
up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" tinumon finished.
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Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"
prof:chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
prof:For sodium?
Tintumon:NA
prof:wat will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atom of NA combines?
tintumon:"BANANA"
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PASSIVE VOICE
teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"
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Tintumon went to his Dad's Friend's home late night.
Uncle offered him to Sleep in Baby's room.
Tintumon refused because the Baby might Cry at Night and went to sleep in the drawing hall.
Next morning he saw a Beautiful young Girl at the breakfast table,
Tintumon : Who are you?
The girl replied,"I am Baby and You??"
Tintumon : I am a Stupid!!!
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PROFESSOR
A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI BAMBA"
professor: "i dont understand anything"
tintumon: "same 2 you"
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Techy Tintumon
Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…!
Banta sets up Santa to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Santa knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaaaaaaauuugguuughhh!"
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small note-books?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry. Don’t have that.”
“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the store!”
The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song.After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.
Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?
Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.
Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"
The Old Professor poses the following problem to one of his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter,
one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now,
what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Paul raises his hand and says, “A
lawyer?”
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"