Jokes Random

A good detective

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'

Is this justice

If A Girl Laughs Loudly She Is Cheerful
If A Boy Laughs Loudly He Is Manner less

If A Girl Talks Sweetly She Is Charming
If A Boy Talks Sweetly He Is A Flirt

If A Girl Is Shopping She Is Trendy
If A Boy Is Shopping He Is Wasting Money

If A Girl Is Silent She Is Feeling Sad
If A Boy Is Silent He Is Being Rude

If Girls Walk In A Group Its A Group
If Boys Walk In A Group Its A GANG.. !

Law school for nuns

What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?

A sister-in-law.

Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Anniversary Gift

Banta wanted to get his beautiful wife, Preeto, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Preeto was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Preeto went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was Banta on the other end.

"Hi Preeto," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Preeto replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked Banta.

"How did you know I was at Sukhna Lake?"

Reading between the lines

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Funny old man

 A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

 

Ticket please

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

"Sir ,Yes Sir"

 A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

 

The good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

Story Socialism

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed
an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D!

No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

What a profound short little paragraph that says it all "You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the
government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they
work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation.

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

The trip to the sun

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the

moon.

We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

Law of Telephone

LAW OF TELEPHONE:
When u dial a wrong number,u never get a busy tone.

LAW OF WORKSHOP:
Any tool when dropped, will roll to least accessible corner.

LAW OF TRAFFIC:
If u change lane, the one u were in will start moving faster.

LAW OF ENCOUNTER:
Probability of meeting someone u know increases when u r with someone u don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT:
Anything is possible if u don't know what u r talking about...

Remedy for hiccups

Santa went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if he could give him something for hiccups.

Without warning, the pharmacist suddenly reached out and slapped Santa hard across the face.

"What did you do that for?" asked Santa indignantly.

"Well, you haven't got hiccups any more, have you?"

"I haven't got hiccups - my wife has!" replied Santa!

 

Swimming Ool

Swimming in the swimming pool
is where I like to "B,"
wearing underwater goggles
so that I can "C."
Yesterday, before I swam,
I drank a cup of "T."
Now the pool is just an "ool"
because I took a "P."

 

Give me the bad news first

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Devil in the Hell

A man in Hell asked Devil.

Can I make a call to my wife?

After making a call he asked how much to pay.

Devil: Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.

 

The teacher of the Earth Science class

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir.

Heart surgery

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."

Problem on the farm

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

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