Jokes

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Big people words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Big people words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Hotmail account

Banta singh opens up an hotmail account

Letter to Mr.Bill Gates from Banta singh

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears. We face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

The happy hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

 

Late to class

One girl comes late to class.

Professor : Why r u late?
Girl : One boy was following me sir boy following girl

Professor : So,what?
Girl : That boy was walking very slowly.

Three patients

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

    

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

    

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

    

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

    

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

    

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

    

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

    

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Expiry date

Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?

  Husband : Nothing.

 Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate since 4 am

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Bull and cow

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the

    

field"

    

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

    

Teacher : How?

    

Student : Ladies first.

The boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

Forget about it

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Happy Butt

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Honour trial

Trial Lawyer to Witness: Is it true that you accepted $25,000 as bribe money? (a moment of silence) Judge: Witness, please answer the question. Witness: I'm sorry, Your Honour, I thought he was asking you.

Costly mistake

I was working as a senior secretary at a small accounting firm when one day my boss realized that a costly mistake had been made on a client's financial statement. It had already been mailed out, and my boss was expecting the client to call in an uproar as soon as the mistake was discovered. He was in a quandary as to how to explain the error. Although it was his fault, I magnanimously told him: "Well, why don't you blame it on me? That way the client won't be as upset with you." "No, that won't work," he said. "That's what I always tell them."

Fashion conscious mother

My fashion-conscious mother died at age 85. At the wake, we gathered around the open casket to say goodbye. My 18-year-old daughter put her arm around me, looked in the coffin and quietly said, ''I can't believe she's wearing the same thing she wore yesterday.''

Little problems

Our school had just installed a new air-conditioning system, and a representative from the company wanted to make sure it was running smoothly. Poking his head into an empty classroom, he asked the teacher, "Any little problems here?" "No," she said, smiling. "All our little problems have gone home."

Good news and bad news

“Honey, I have good news and bad news,” a man tells his wife. “What is it?” she asks.
“First, I think I’m losing my voice,” he croaks.
“So,” his wife says, “what’s the bad news?”

Personal service

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

Daddys age

Man: How old is your father? Boy: He is eight years old. Man: What? Boy: Because he became father when I was born eight years ago.

Written test

Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”

“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.

“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”

“Whoa, how can that be?”

“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Me neither.’”