Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read, "BEAR LEFT."
So they turned around and went home.
Jones applied to a collections agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.
Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"
A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race. But then she realized that they cost way too much, so instead, she bought a donkey.
The next day, she enters it into a contest and it comes in third.
The headlines read, ''Nun's Ass Chokes.''
The next day, she entered it in another competition and this time it came in first.
The headlines were, ''Nun's Ass Wins Grand Prize.''
The following day, the owner scratched the donkey from the race.
The headlines read, ''Booker Scratches Nun's Ass.''
And on the next day, the nun sold the donkey for a really cheap price.
The headlines were ''Nun Sells Her Ass for $5.''
A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to perform. He notices a sign outside of one place reading ''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker. He goes inside and inquires about the gig.
"You're not a hypnotist are you?''
"No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?''
''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he tripped over his microphone wire and shouted 'SHIT'. We've been cleaning it up for days!''
A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.
"The female has two breasts and one vagina. The male has one penis."
A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.
"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"