Time Left

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

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Loss Weight

The doctor told a patient that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. After 300 days, the patient called the doctor to report he had lost weight, but he had a problem.
Doctor : 'What is the problem?'
Patient : 'I am 2400 kms. from home.'

Bad news

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Repeat Performance

A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.

One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."

With that the new mother burst out crying.

"I know," she said. "That was me, too."

Be Careful

Harris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Harris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

Medical samples

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"

The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."

Patient's Dilemma

A woman called up the hospital and said, "I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"

The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!

Any Way For Long Life

 Man : Is there any way for long life?

Doctor : Get married.

Man : Will it help?

Doctor : No the thought of long life will never come

 

Category: Doctor Jokes