Scrambling eggs

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful," he cries, "Careful! You are cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt! The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?" Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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A Boy texts a girl

A Boy texts a girl
Boy: Hey!
Girl: Hi! What u doing?
Boy: texting the most beautiful girl in the world.
Girl: Aww How cute!
Boy: Ya! But She is not replying, so m texting U! :D

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Wife to Husband :-

You don’t Love me at all….

Husband points towards their 2 Children and says –
then do u think I’ve downloaded these from Google?

Little johnny - make a sentence

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Heart surgery

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."

Name game

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
 

Bathroom

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Blonde circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”