Salesman's nightmare

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

 

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DRIVERS EDUCATION EXAM ANSWERS

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Polish remover

 A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”

 

Bank Account

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

 

Is There a Floppy Inside?

 Customer : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support : “What does it say?”

Customer : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”

 

Railway

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

 

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