Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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The New Maid

A guy dials home from work.  A strange woman answers.
 
The guy says, "Who is this?"
 
"This is the maid." answered the woman.
 
"We don't have a maid!"
 
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
 
"Well, this is her husband.  Is she there?"
 
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
 
The guy is fuming.  He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
 
"Sure, what do I have to do?"
 
"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."
 
The maid puts down the phone.  The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
 
The maid comes back to the phone.  "What should I do with the bodies?"
 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
 
"What pool?"
 
"Uh...is this 555-4821?"

BEAUTIFUL?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"  

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

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 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

 

A cute dog

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
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Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"


The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

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