Patient's Dilemma

A woman called up the hospital and said, "I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"

The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!

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English patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Favourite Patients

4 surgeons sat around discussing their favourite patients type.

1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order."

2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order."

3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."

Drink Glass of water

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Health Minister

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."

The psychologist explains:

"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

Eating right

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

 

Medical samples

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"

The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."

Terrible news

A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"

Category: Doctor Jokes