Little turtles

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

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Camping Joke

 Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

 

Niagara falls

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest  waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 

supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. 

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara   

Falls?"

New job

Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"

Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

Fashion conscious mother

My fashion-conscious mother died at age 85. At the wake, we gathered around the open casket to say goodbye. My 18-year-old daughter put her arm around me, looked in the coffin and quietly said, ''I can't believe she's wearing the same thing she wore yesterday.''

Man and woman

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

 

Three people argue

An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." 

"Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"

We do weird things

Little Johnny was, fascinated, as her mother was putting cold cream on her face. 


"Why are you rubbing that cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. 

"To stay pretty for Daddy," said her mother. 

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. 

"What's the matter Mommy," asked Johnny, "are you giving up?