Late Gag

One day Lion summoned all the other animals in the jungle. "Each of you must tell a joke," he said. "But if anyone fails to laugh, I'll kill the person who told it. Monkey, you go first." Monkey began "Two men go into a bar . . ." When he delivered the punchline, everyone roared with laughter, except Tortoise. So Lion pounced on Monkey and killed him. Next up was Elephant. He told his joke and, again, everyone laughed except Tortoise. So Lion pounced on Elephant and kille him. The animals were furious with Tortoise, but no-one dared to move. Tiger began his joke, but when he was about one sentence in, Tortoise suddenly rolled over and began kicking his feet in the air, giggling his head off. "What's wrong with you" roared an irate Lion. "Tiger isn't even finished with his gag yet!" "I'm sorry," said Tortoise, gasping between laughs, "but Monkey's joke was simply too funny!"

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Killing English I can see you guys laughing with tears in your eyes

 01. Man tells his friend: My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter.

02. Hi, my name is Sangeeta, married with two kids.

03. Don't laugh, otherwise I'll fall down your teeth.

04. Teacher to student: Pick up the paper and fall in dustbin.

05. Why do you keep rotating near girl's hostel.

06. Santa tells Banta: First I will marry my sister. Then my father will marry me.

07. you hang the chart there... or i will hang myself

08. My vaathiyaar introduced his two sons to me. My top son Ramesh and my bottom son Suresh.

09. You three of you, stand together separately.

10. Take 5 cm wire of any length

11. why are you looking at the monkey outside when i am standing here?

12. be quiet. Principal passed away just now

13. all of you stand in a straight circle

14. I have two daughters....both of them are girls

15. open the windows.... let the atmosphere come in

16. why are you so late? Say yes or no...

17. both of you three get out of the class

Chicken

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”
“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”
“Because we needed the eggs!”

 

Wrong one out of the window

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" 


The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. 

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" 

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. 

THE GHOST

On a rainy night, three guys were driving through the countryside. Their car broke down, so they went to a nearby farm. The farmer said, "I only have one spare room but two of you can sleep in other places." So they went to the first place and said, "Who wants to sleep under the clothes chute?" The first guy said, "I will." So they went to the second place. The farmer said, "Who wants to sleep above the chute?" The second guy said, "I will." Then the third guy said, "I guess I get the bedroom."

Later that night, the second guy had to take a shit, so he shit in some sheets and put it down the chute. The next morning, the third guy asked the second guy third guy asked the first guy how he slept, and he said, "I slept fine except I saw a ghost and beat the shit out of it." 

Firing the slacker

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"  

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Fashion conscious mother

My fashion-conscious mother died at age 85. At the wake, we gathered around the open casket to say goodbye. My 18-year-old daughter put her arm around me, looked in the coffin and quietly said, ''I can't believe she's wearing the same thing she wore yesterday.''

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