Last request

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

 

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Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

BRAKE FLUID ADDICTION

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.


"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want." 

How to escape from the jury box?

 A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. 

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

 

 

Attorney Jokes one liners

 A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say "FEES"

Expiry date

Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?

  Husband : Nothing.

 Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate since 4 am

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

A second language

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!”

The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language

 

Hunting Trip

Three friends go out hunting. One of them is a genius, another a pretty smart guy and the last is a complete idiot.

The genius goes out hunting for a couple of hours and comes back with the HUGE buck. The other 2 friends are standing there, and they say, " wow, how did u catch that!?"

The genius replies, "Well I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot it."

Still in awe the average joe goes out and comes back with a decent size buck, nothing crazy, but good sized.

He brings it back, and his 2 friends say, "Wow nice buck!" "How did U catch that"? He replies with, "well I took "the genius' “advice"; I saw the tracks followed then and shot the buck".

So the idiot says, "Well guys I guess it’s my turn, I’ll be back in a while." "Ok" they reply.

So a couple hours later the idiot comes crawling back to the camp moaning in pain with cuts, bruises, and broken bones. His friends ask, "wow what happened!?!?"

The idiot replies, “Well I took "the genius' " advice, "I saw the tracks, followed them, and got hit by a train!"

 

Category: Funny Jokes