Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.
After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
I was working as a senior secretary at a small accounting firm when one day my boss realized that a costly mistake had been made on a client's financial statement. It had already been mailed out, and my boss was expecting the client to call in an uproar as soon as the mistake was discovered. He was in a quandary as to how to explain the error. Although it was his fault, I magnanimously told him: "Well, why don't you blame it on me? That way the client won't be as upset with you." "No, that won't work," he said. "That's what I always tell them."
A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"