First Day at Duty

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was

sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,

told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.

In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

 

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,

he asked, "What do you want?"

 

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

 

 

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Telephone

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Funny old man

 A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

 

A better warranty

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he’d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

“Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

A person on his death bed

A person on his death bed (in Mumbai at Hospita) with Wife, Kids and Nurse beside him.

Man to Eldest son : You take the 15 Bungalows at Borivali.

To daughter : You take the 8 bungalows at Juhu.

To youngest son : You are my youngest and most dearest and I want your future to be bright, so you keep the 20 offices at Nariman Point.

To wife : Dear Kavita, you keep all 11 of our Lokhandwala building flats.

Nurse - quite impressed -
To wife : wow...You are lucky to have such a husband who is so rich and giving you all the properties etc.

Wife: What properties, what rich ... he's distributing out responsibilities of delivring Milk to his clients in the morning

 

Drunk

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The driver - seeing that they were wasted - decided to pull a fast one. So he switched the engine on, then quickly switched it off and announced, "We're here!" The first guy handed him the fare, and said, "Thanks." But the third guy just angrily smacked the cabbie's head. "What was that for?" asked the cabbie, afraid that he'd been caught. "That," said the passenger, "is for driving too fast!"

An honest politician and a generous lawyer

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Story Socialism

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed
an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D!

No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

What a profound short little paragraph that says it all "You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the
government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they
work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation.

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

Category: Funny Jokes