Drunk

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The driver - seeing that they were wasted - decided to pull a fast one. So he switched the engine on, then quickly switched it off and announced, "We're here!" The first guy handed him the fare, and said, "Thanks." But the third guy just angrily smacked the cabbie's head. "What was that for?" asked the cabbie, afraid that he'd been caught. "That," said the passenger, "is for driving too fast!"

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Gay man in church

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills.

When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand."

The gay man stood up.

The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."

"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"

Military Rules

Marine Corps Rules:


1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines 

Dont have anything

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small note-books?”

“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”

“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”

The manager shrugs, “Sorry. Don’t have that.”

“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the store!”

The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.

 

Two coats

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

The boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

Man and woman

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

 

How to make a horse work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

 

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