Drink Glass of water

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

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Favourite Patients

4 surgeons sat around discussing their favourite patients type.

1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order."

2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order."

3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."

Exam

Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!

Orders

Doctor: "I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?"
Patient:" I was just following your orders, doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

The blondes pregnancy scare

A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor. "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant."

The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?"

She says, "Because it's started missing its period."

College pride

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Medical samples

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"

The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."

Bad news

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."