Drink Glass of water

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

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The prognosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Tampax

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

Loss Weight

The doctor told a patient that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. After 300 days, the patient called the doctor to report he had lost weight, but he had a problem.
Doctor : 'What is the problem?'
Patient : 'I am 2400 kms. from home.'

Orders

Doctor: "I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?"
Patient:" I was just following your orders, doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

Male or Femal Brain ?

 A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

 

 

Favourite Patients

4 surgeons sat around discussing their favourite patients type.

1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order."

2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order."

3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."