Disney Trip

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

 

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Carelessness

The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket."

Fear No Evil

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
 
Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
 
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
 
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
 
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
 
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
 
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
 
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad could you be?"

 

Yippy Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she poops on you!”

A correct answer

A student asks his professor if it's true that tigers and other wild animals won't attack you in the jungle at night if you're carrying a burning torch. The proffessor answers, 'Well, young man, it all depends on how fast you're carrying it.'

Spit on my beer

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

 

Three Guys

There are three people named “Poop, Manners, and Shut Up."

One day, Poop fell out the window and Manners went out the window to pick him up. While Manners was going to help Poop, he told Shut Up to get the police. So that is what Shut Up did. When the police arrived, they asked, “What is your name?" And Shut Up replies with “Shut Up." Then the police ask again, “What is your name?" “Shut Up." “What is your name?" “Shut Up." And then the police ask, “Excuse me, where are your manners?" And then Shut Up says, “Oh, Manners? Manners is over there picking up Poop."

 

Football fan

A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.