Conditions

Officer: We need you in the army.
Joker: I’ll join but on three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are the conditions?
Joker: My first condition is that I’ll not wear the uniform because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the second condition?
Joker: I’ll not do the perade and other training under the sun because it is hot. I’ll only do it under the shed or some kind of shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your third condition?
Joker: And my last and most important condition is that during war times, I’ll remain on leave.

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Yippy Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she poops on you!”

Phone Call

There was a couple…the lady was very talkative and she kept talking with people on the phone hour after hour when she is alone at home.

End of everymonth they used to get a massive telephone bill and the husband was so worried on this.

One day they were dining at the table and the phone rang..

The lady’s reaction was immediate…she ran to the phone and started chatting..

After about 30-min she hang up and came back to the table.

The husband was happy that she hang up in 30 min which was a good sign where she normally doesn’t hung up at least for 2-hours. So he happily inquired…was she busy to hang up so early???

No..it was a wrong number.. replied the lady..

Three Nature Lovers

Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read, "BEAR LEFT."

So they turned around and went home.

Special day

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.

Restroom Humor

I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"

And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"

What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

Football fan

A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.

Category: Good Jokes