Blonde circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”

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Hotmail account

Banta singh opens up an hotmail account

Letter to Mr.Bill Gates from Banta singh

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears. We face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

For computer geeks

 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Q: Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It’s a hardware problem.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

 

Do you love your husband

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one
10. Who is this?

Volunteers

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All the blondes applauded.

Woops Sorry About That

 Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

 

Attorney Jokes one liners

 A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say "FEES"

We do weird things

Little Johnny was, fascinated, as her mother was putting cold cream on her face. 


"Why are you rubbing that cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. 

"To stay pretty for Daddy," said her mother. 

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. 

"What's the matter Mommy," asked Johnny, "are you giving up?

Category: Funny Jokes