A better warranty

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he’d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

“Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

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Teaching the parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Dont have anything

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small note-books?”

“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”

“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”

The manager shrugs, “Sorry. Don’t have that.”

“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the store!”

The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.

 

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Trip to disney world

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

HIS HOLY CROSSWORD

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.


Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"

The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"


The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Attorney Jokes one liners

 A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say "FEES"