Beautiful

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

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Three people argue

An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." 

"Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"

The New Maid

A guy dials home from work.  A strange woman answers.
 
The guy says, "Who is this?"
 
"This is the maid." answered the woman.
 
"We don't have a maid!"
 
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
 
"Well, this is her husband.  Is she there?"
 
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
 
The guy is fuming.  He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
 
"Sure, what do I have to do?"
 
"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."
 
The maid puts down the phone.  The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
 
The maid comes back to the phone.  "What should I do with the bodies?"
 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
 
"What pool?"
 
"Uh...is this 555-4821?"

A patient and the nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Hypnotist blunder

A comedian, new to the profession, is looking for places to perform. He notices a sign outside of one place reading ''Entertainers wanted, see within," below which someone had written ''NO HYPNOTISTS!'' with a marker. He goes inside and inquires about the gig.
"You're not a hypnotist are you?''
"No'' the comedian says, ''Why do you ask?''
''Well, last week we had a hypnotist and he had at least twenty people up on stage. Just as he got them all under, he tripped over his microphone wire and shouted 'SHIT'. We've been cleaning it up for days!''

Never Ask a Gunny!!!

 A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.


Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. 

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears."

Wills experience at the airport

After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.

She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”

 

Polish remover

 A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”