"Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains."
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon."
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
Some people should consider having multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.
Men are like puppies, adorable, then you take them home and they crap over everything you ever treasured.
Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump out a window, I laugh some more.
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."